1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t. (I'm an alien midget, I shall live forever)
2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind. (2 foot alien midget -> Big inferiority complex, this one is a no go)
3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to loose an entire extra pound! It's time to start that kissing diet! (i'm an alien midget, i'm small enough as it is and now you want me to lose weight...phffff fuck off)
4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone. ( the only time i feel stressed is at work and i would have to kiss my co-workers to relieve the stress and in the office, they call that SEXUAL HARASSMENT so no thank you)
5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation. (let me explain, as an alien on this planet my skin is quite taut and healty, its why I moved here)
6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol. (i have a body which doesn't have a heart, our lifeforce comes from the dirt, i do have a penis though)
7. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections. (no stomach, no bladder and i have green radioactive goo in my body that I guess qualifies as blood)
8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain. (i have drugs for relieving pain...booooring...next!)
9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the 'noise' in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace. (oh ok...i just kissed an elephant and i feel more anxious than ever...maybe because there is a tusk in my ass)
10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine. (ok you caught me, the reason i left my home planet is that I took every last bit of my planets most powerful drug and there was no place to stash it without getting suspicious so i came here. I've tried morphine, on my planet we called it Water)
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Prodigy ant
What I do when I get inspired and have time on my hands
It will only take 16 seconds of your time. It is stop motion of the ant symbol of The Prodigy. Background Music is a part of Whirly 3 (Remix by Simon Emmerson, James McNally & Mass) by Afro Celt Sound System. The Prodigy ant is copyright of The Prodigy and Whirly 3 (Remix by Simon Emmerson, James McNally & Mass) is copyright of Afro Celt Sound System
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Manchester United Fans are all assholes
Secretly (but mostly openly) all ManU fans are assholes. Some can hide it but most can't. As a fan of tea, I'm not sure about the other clubs in football. Let me explain why and how I came to this conclusion.
I was relaxing one day in a small cafe on crofton street at Manchester and I glance over to this pub. I was having a nice cup of earl grey when all of a sudden the pub across the street which was fairly quiet, erupts with a magnitude of Manchester United fans streaming out and shouting "Glory, Glory Man United" I think that these are good natured fans who just saw their team win and are on their way home after witnessing a great game.
How wrong I was.
Everybody who was on the street started panicking and running for their lives. They were screaming in sheer terror. One woman was grabbed by these hooligans and she shouted "Please don't hurt me. Save me. Help!" One fan went and grabbed this little baby, spat in its eye, dropped the baby and ran off. I was wondering if I should take off as well but my tea was still hot and there wasn't a waiter in sight that I could pay either. During my pondering, one of the fans came up to me and demanded to know which club I support. I told him I didn't support any club, not football anyway (The Appreciation of Tea Society is the only club I really support). He immediately called me a wanker and broke a table right next to me and took a small piece of wood that got chipped off the table and dropped it in my tea. He then told me to support Manchester United, the greatest football team in the world and then calmly walked off singing some song which I only caught the beginning words of, it started with "Saw my mate the other day..."
I just sat there for a good minute quite stunned and then realized that I should have thrown my tea in that guys face. The sheer assholeness of his actions actually rendered my brain and body without movement for a while.
These Manchester United fans. What assholes.
I abandoned my now destroyed tea which I had been looking forward to having all afternoon and went to go order another one but the cafe now said "Closed" and the door was locked. I felt absolutely gutted. I wondered about the atmosphere in the pub that the hooligans had just come out from and maybe if they thought I was amongst them, they wouldn't be such assholes. Was I in for a surprise or what? I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Two guys were next to me saying goodbye to each other. One left and the one who stayed turned around and said
"Hey can I ask you something?"
"Yeah sure." was my reply.
"Did you see that guy who just walked out of here?" Without waiting for me to answer he went on "That guy and me are really great friends and I slept with his wife" He then flashed me a big smile. I didn't smile back but I was puzzled and I asked him
"If you guys are such good friends, why did you sleep with his wife?"
"Because he killed my dog"
"Why did he kill your dog?"
"Because I stole his job."
"Why did you have to steal his job, he's your friend isn't he?"
"Well, you obviously don't know us then," His voice started to rise, in jubilation not anger, "We're supporters of Manchester United Football Club and we do whatever the fuck we want" The whole bar heard the last sentence and they all let out a big cheer of "Yeaaay"
I rest my case. Here is a picture I compiled to illustrate my point.
I was relaxing one day in a small cafe on crofton street at Manchester and I glance over to this pub. I was having a nice cup of earl grey when all of a sudden the pub across the street which was fairly quiet, erupts with a magnitude of Manchester United fans streaming out and shouting "Glory, Glory Man United" I think that these are good natured fans who just saw their team win and are on their way home after witnessing a great game.
How wrong I was.
Everybody who was on the street started panicking and running for their lives. They were screaming in sheer terror. One woman was grabbed by these hooligans and she shouted "Please don't hurt me. Save me. Help!" One fan went and grabbed this little baby, spat in its eye, dropped the baby and ran off. I was wondering if I should take off as well but my tea was still hot and there wasn't a waiter in sight that I could pay either. During my pondering, one of the fans came up to me and demanded to know which club I support. I told him I didn't support any club, not football anyway (The Appreciation of Tea Society is the only club I really support). He immediately called me a wanker and broke a table right next to me and took a small piece of wood that got chipped off the table and dropped it in my tea. He then told me to support Manchester United, the greatest football team in the world and then calmly walked off singing some song which I only caught the beginning words of, it started with "Saw my mate the other day..."
I just sat there for a good minute quite stunned and then realized that I should have thrown my tea in that guys face. The sheer assholeness of his actions actually rendered my brain and body without movement for a while.
These Manchester United fans. What assholes.
I abandoned my now destroyed tea which I had been looking forward to having all afternoon and went to go order another one but the cafe now said "Closed" and the door was locked. I felt absolutely gutted. I wondered about the atmosphere in the pub that the hooligans had just come out from and maybe if they thought I was amongst them, they wouldn't be such assholes. Was I in for a surprise or what? I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Two guys were next to me saying goodbye to each other. One left and the one who stayed turned around and said
"Hey can I ask you something?"
"Yeah sure." was my reply.
"Did you see that guy who just walked out of here?" Without waiting for me to answer he went on "That guy and me are really great friends and I slept with his wife" He then flashed me a big smile. I didn't smile back but I was puzzled and I asked him
"If you guys are such good friends, why did you sleep with his wife?"
"Because he killed my dog"
"Why did he kill your dog?"
"Because I stole his job."
"Why did you have to steal his job, he's your friend isn't he?"
"Well, you obviously don't know us then," His voice started to rise, in jubilation not anger, "We're supporters of Manchester United Football Club and we do whatever the fuck we want" The whole bar heard the last sentence and they all let out a big cheer of "Yeaaay"
I rest my case. Here is a picture I compiled to illustrate my point.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Coffee has made me sleepy. Tea is awesome
I had coffee. It made me sleepy. Maybe it was coffee suffering from a deep seated identity crisis that caused it to stop caring about its job, say 'I quit', become lazy and consequently go on to infect anybody else who had gone on to drink its lazy ass. I was one such victim.
The fact that I'm posting this at 3:21 AM has nothing to do with the coffee I drank. I frequently stay up, watch pornography and then jump from building to building and eat flies. You may have heard of me as the "The Toad Man" or "The Frog Man". Keep in mind that I bear no resemblance to the "Milk Man" or the "Post Man" or the "Beer Man" and I strictly bear no resemblance to "The Man".
If you're wondering, the pornography makes me the "Frog Man" (or "The Croaky Hopper" as I like to call myself). You know how the Hulk needs to get angry to turn into the hulk, likewise, the Croaky Hopper needs pornography.
Anyway today, there happens to be a shortage of flies and I feel rather enlightened after hopping all the way to the Himalayas and meeting a bunch of sadhus who gave me cool things to smoke, eat and drink that caused all these wise words to come forth from me. I don't know if they are actually wise but the fact that I'm seeing women transform into metallic gates should be testimony enough that typing this is quite an accomplishment. Be proud of me, dammit.
Sorry about that, its just that there isn't much porn or flies in these mountains and I was disappointed to not find any yetis either. Ok scratch that, this thing that looks like a yeti is in the corner of the room eating a lollipop made of noodles. I expected yetis to be big and fearsome, this one is about 3 feet tall and apparently has no genitals and hence no discernible gender. This should put a rest to the term the abominable snow-'man' as it looks like the abominable snow-'WTF?'
Never mind that. Maybe coffee in the himalayas just isn't as good as it is in Panama. Those Hispanics make good coffee. It puts you to sleep really fast and makes your wallet and worldly possessions that you have with you disappear. It was so cool. It only worked once though. Maybe it was because I didn't have anything more to give the coffee god or maybe it is because pornography makes me half man and half reptile or maybe it was just beginners luck.
Anyway, the people here make awesome tea. It's all they drink in terms of hot beverages. FYI, yak milk, not so bad. Tea is awesome. The next time I'm out catching flies, I'm going to keep a flask of tea ready and a spoon to dissolve the flies in.
Tea is good.
Frog porno below. Not as good as human porno. I watch human porno in my human self. Frog porno, I just do in my spare time for extra cash but I don't watch the stuff. This is a still from one of my fetish movies. I'm in costume because I like playing roles as it gives me a chance to really get into a characters head. Viewer discretion is advised. Do not scroll down if you are below 18 years of age or are sensitive to sexual imagery.
image from http://photos.mongabay.com/08/0311frog11.jpg
The fact that I'm posting this at 3:21 AM has nothing to do with the coffee I drank. I frequently stay up, watch pornography and then jump from building to building and eat flies. You may have heard of me as the "The Toad Man" or "The Frog Man". Keep in mind that I bear no resemblance to the "Milk Man" or the "Post Man" or the "Beer Man" and I strictly bear no resemblance to "The Man".
If you're wondering, the pornography makes me the "Frog Man" (or "The Croaky Hopper" as I like to call myself). You know how the Hulk needs to get angry to turn into the hulk, likewise, the Croaky Hopper needs pornography.
Anyway today, there happens to be a shortage of flies and I feel rather enlightened after hopping all the way to the Himalayas and meeting a bunch of sadhus who gave me cool things to smoke, eat and drink that caused all these wise words to come forth from me. I don't know if they are actually wise but the fact that I'm seeing women transform into metallic gates should be testimony enough that typing this is quite an accomplishment. Be proud of me, dammit.Sorry about that, its just that there isn't much porn or flies in these mountains and I was disappointed to not find any yetis either. Ok scratch that, this thing that looks like a yeti is in the corner of the room eating a lollipop made of noodles. I expected yetis to be big and fearsome, this one is about 3 feet tall and apparently has no genitals and hence no discernible gender. This should put a rest to the term the abominable snow-'man' as it looks like the abominable snow-'WTF?'
Never mind that. Maybe coffee in the himalayas just isn't as good as it is in Panama. Those Hispanics make good coffee. It puts you to sleep really fast and makes your wallet and worldly possessions that you have with you disappear. It was so cool. It only worked once though. Maybe it was because I didn't have anything more to give the coffee god or maybe it is because pornography makes me half man and half reptile or maybe it was just beginners luck.
Anyway, the people here make awesome tea. It's all they drink in terms of hot beverages. FYI, yak milk, not so bad. Tea is awesome. The next time I'm out catching flies, I'm going to keep a flask of tea ready and a spoon to dissolve the flies in.
Tea is good.
Frog porno below. Not as good as human porno. I watch human porno in my human self. Frog porno, I just do in my spare time for extra cash but I don't watch the stuff. This is a still from one of my fetish movies. I'm in costume because I like playing roles as it gives me a chance to really get into a characters head. Viewer discretion is advised. Do not scroll down if you are below 18 years of age or are sensitive to sexual imagery.
image from http://photos.mongabay.com/08/0311frog11.jpg
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