I never thought that I would understand the power of love or making love while watching a porno. I mean, pornography is almost a farce of real sex. It’s almost like it’s turned sexuality on it’s head and in pure pornographic style, stuck it’s dick in it. Pornography is most of the time beyond fake and so far up it’s own ass in insane fantasy world that it turns completely stupid. In fact, it turns stupid to aspire to be such. As a pornographic star, he or she knows that their body is seen by lots of people in it’s most intimate ways but are not concerned with things like story and accurate representation of the real world of meetings and social interactions.




It is exactly the same kind of fantasy that never should have been created to begin with. I suppose that those same people are just trying to make some cash to support a family and pay their bills but this has forced completely uncreative souls to take the helms. A man walks into a store, tells a woman that she has a nice body and then take her home to fuck her for 35 minutes because he took some pill.



Fuck. There is another interesting thing. Only people in porn films fuck, for the rest of the human population, they’re not interested in fucking. Most of them want to make love, serious love with the other person, for it to be a closed intimate affair of a bond that is felt deeply within both individuals. That you feel something special for this person only, but we all know that times change and people change so we are driven to others. We always seek out to truly be in love and make love unless you’re a complete narcissist who prides himself on quantity and not quality. Usually though, people who seek out the porn sex are just going through a rough faze. In time, they will get old and weary and see how empty their lives are then they will seek out true love or face loneliness.





We have progressed in such a way that even tribal people, on some level, understand the meaning of the union of two people and that it is sacred. They understand pain, loss, hurt. Even they would not make love the way people in pornographic movies do. To do it like that in real life is to not enjoy the act at all, that now it has became a game or a competition.



Porn has bestowed a stupidity about sex, so to say. I always admire movies where the sex scenes are realistically portrayed. I find it more titillating than outright porn. I see skill, truth and dignity in those scenes.


But that being said, I still get off on porno. All hail the humble hypocrite!

How to enjoy the magic of weed without actually smoking it

There are many ways to enjoy marijuana without smoking it.

1.) Roast it in butter or oil in a double boiler for 2 hours and make food (read: brownies) with it (weed on the stalk will do, no specific need for cleaning it)
2.) Get plants in your house for ornamental purposes. They can grow very tall and male plants look extra nice due to the lack of ugly seeds and they live longer too
3.) The leaves can be turned into paper
4.) The leaves can be turned into a bag (you would be going green because your bag would be totally organic)
5.) The leaves can be preserved in frames and hung on walls
and last but not the least:

6.)YOU CAN SELL IT FOR MONEY!!!

It's limericks time

This time I threw in a little graphic poem to start things off and then we move on to the limericks section. So suspend your disbelief and sit back to limericks galore

The man who has homicidal tendencies
He feels love for none
So puts up his walls
And slaughters his son


He killed his wife
His daughter too
He even killed the giraffe
When he broke into the zoo

(the giraffes are evil, they must die, Eddie Izzard believes in evil giraffes too, just watch "Eddie Izzard: Glorious")

(now on to the limericks)

There once was a man who lived on ice floes
How he lived that way, still nobody knows
He was found in a real bed
Getting some pretty good head
For once he chose hoes before floes


There once was a very old virile geezer
who serviced a girl while listening to Weezer
She found it pleasant and juicy
His tongue in her moisturized pussy
Poor bastard then died just trying to please her


Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow
And every where that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go

She snorted much cocaine
It went straight to her brain
The lamb then asked if her if he could finish off the blow


There once was a woman with a nice rack
and a sexy angel tattoo on her back
She had too much small dick
This habit she'd kick
So now all the guys she does are black


They say Robin Hood was a lie, he did not exist
And Maid Marian was a woman that he never kissed
From the porno I had seen
A good marksman, he hadn't been
Because he aimed his cum for her mouth and then missed

Some advice for men everywhere

• If you feel the need to sneeze coming on then rush to the bathroom, pull down your pants and start peeing. When you actually sneeze, you will find that you have peed completely and instantly in one second
• If you're unemployed then don't spend money on prostitutes and if you are employed then paying them by the month will actually turn out to be cheaper if you're really horny.
• Remember that zips on pants are our friends even if you are being invaded by terrorists and a bullet lands somewhere in your body. This will still be less painful than having your pee pee caught in your fly. Remember to always take your time. The terrorists will probably think of you as a real man for doing so.
  
• If you're banging a woman who has kids, remember to bang her in your place or at a hotel and never where her kids are around. You don't want to say no to some brat who's asking you whether you're his dad when your dick is having the time of his life.
• If in doubt, use a condom. If still scared about the "Only 97% effective" label on condoms and you can take some pain, get a vasectomy. If too cheap or scared to keep condoms, cut your dick and balls off and make that area into a pussy, you pussy.
• A woman doesn't want to wait all night to come so don't think that being able to go for an hour makes you better. However, if you can make her come 3 times in an hour, that's worth practising for. If she can do the same to you, she's a keeper.
• The best answer that you can give when someone asks you "How did you do that?" is "With my penis" and is a much better answer when said person is pointing to a hot chick that you banged
  
• (Euphemism Warning) It is better to ask for warning first or if that condition exists than feel like a freshly sprayed watered plant later
• Men should remember to be men. On my planet, we were so man enough to handle everything that all we had to do was approach a woman we fancied and tell her to bend over. The woman knew that I was man enough to be banging her in the middle of the day in public. It meant that I had taken care of things at home and at work plus time for self improvement and this is the time left over random power sex.We were man enough to handle our sex and man enough to handle our responsibilities. I understand one or more tribes in Africa follow the same custom.
  
• Finally I wish all the men to not get or give STDs to or from any sideways talking desperate sluts out  there.
  

This blog will be down until the 10th of October or slightly later

because things have gone haywire. See below

  Fuck off! I thought it was funny

A few reasons on why it would be great to be a ninja

1. You would be super quiet, sneaky and virtually invisible in the dark.
2. You would kill people for a living and never get caught (one of the more esteemed professions on my old planet)
3. You get to wield a sword and tools from a sacred art.
4. Brilliant agility and patience as well
   
5. Video games would be based on you plus movies, TV, comics, websites, art but most importantly

• You may just get to be an incarnation of a powerful Nine Tailed Fox in an orange jumpsuit and get to say "Dattebayo"

Jesus gives so that others may take

So I decided to be a little more radical and in turn be a little more me in doing this. Fuck all of you non-smoking assholes. Weed is awesome. Drugs are good and Jesus is gay. No, really, Jesus is gay, I read it myself.

Jesus was walking near the water (his training for walking on the water) and he came across a guy named Levi who had some tax related issues or he was a tax collector, one of the two, I can't be sure which.

Anyway so Jesus sees him and thinks, "Wow! How hot is that! A guy whose job it is to take money from people and make them miserable. He must never get laid because all the women would be traitors to their families if any of them slept with him. Yeah by now he probably hates women. I so have a shot."

So Jesus miraculously got naked and said to him "Leave all your things and fuck me." This man immediately got transformed at seeing the Lord's presence in front of him (a bit too much of his presence). So, keeping his eyes transfixed on Jesus and his supposedly awesome bod, he slowly started to take off his clothing and then he said, "Yes lord I will fuck you." Then Jesus got scared of the idea of anal penetration and the problem of the not-yet-invented-lube so he had to think really fast so he said, "I am the bearer of good things. I do not taketh, (wink in his eye and a slight smile on his face) I giveth!"

Then the Lord rode the man missionary style, for the man wanted to keep his eyes on the magnificent Lord and did not want to bend over. The Lord rode him hard until the sweet jesus juice came out of him like many strikes of lightening in the mans most intimate and private cavity on his body. The man, his eyes still transfixed and his ass badly bleeding now, asked the Lord, "Lord, how was it for you?"

And the Lord said, "It was good."

The stoner poem

As an alien midget, I love hanging out with stoners because they never want to cut me up or ask me questions about where I come from or what I do. The only questions I've ever been asked is "Hey man. Could I get a light?" and "Dude you want some more?" Seeing as how my forked tongue has the ability to create fire, they like having me around as well. The fire keeps changing colour so I tend to be a good source of entertainment. One of them wrote a poem on weed and told me to put it up on my blog. This is their poem:

The Stoner poem

I'm just smoking a joint
To prove a point

The government says it outlawed
But the government is so very flawed

I smoke my weed and it makes my day
I get happy wasted so what do you got to say?

I'm not a bad guy,
I just love my weed
I'm not the root of the problem
I'm just the seed

Everybody should toke a little bit
There ain't nothing wrong with a little hit

I'm just a stoner, beat down to the grind
Cos people can't chill and just unwind

Don't take my shit away cos you say it's wrong
Come on and chill with me and smoke along
I like to just tap my bong
Smoke some weed and sing a song

I think I was high when I wrote this
I don't care I was humping your missus

So in conclusion, I like my good high stuff
It's much better than all your sober fluff

The Real story of how man got a penis

I was having a nice conversation about God with this carpenter dude I met (My table was wobbling and I needed someone to fix it, he seemed cool, he even had long hair) and he told me that he knew the real story of how dudes got their penises. He was all like 'Yeah, man, I asked my dad and he told me the real thing and he's my dad so I gotta believe him but truth be told, I kind of believe it on my own. Though my dad can be quite a drag, he wants me to be a farmer or shepherd and climb some mountains and shit. It's weird, man. Hey what were we talking about?"
I couldn't remember so I said, "Yo this guy walks into a store and asks the clerk for some gummy bears. The clerk walks outside the store, then comes back in an hour later with three bear cubs covered in chewing gum and says 'You might not want to touch 'em yet. The gum is still sticky and my jaw hurts like hell.' "

We burst out laughing and then I tell the carpenter that I need to take a leak. The carpenter guy goes, "Oh yeah the story of the penis, you might want to hold it in until I tell you, it will give you a whole new perspective on peeing and ejaculating and everything." So I say, " Ok but make it quick." The carpenter snaps his fingers at my stomach and says "Ok all the water in your system is now wine, behold, you are drunk and no longer have to pee."
So I get all drunk happy and stumble over to him and accidentally spill the water bottle on his legs and quickly clean it up. He unzips his pants after I bend down to grab a rag to wipe the water off and asks "Are the rags there for when I come on your face?"

I almost fall backwards and sputter out "Dude wtf?" Realizing that I was just going to swab the water off and nothing else, he pulls his pants back up and zips up. Then he sheepishly says to me, "Oh ....ummm....sorry....I thought I made you drunk enough. Sorry, my bad. Oh and please don't tell anyone about this. Over here, you get nailed to wood or something " I forgive him and tell him to just tell me the story.
"Oh yeah ok fine, see in the beginning, no creature had any penises and no vaginas and god was just creating offspring and sending them on angels. Back then angels, looked like todays storks and brought kids wrapped in cloth in their beaks. Couples were happy and never fought but they never fucked either. That's right, nobody ever had angry sex. Not even an alpha male chimpanzee who recently got new territory. God didn't like this. No sex made everything blah. Everybody was happy all the time and all was well in the world and God was wondering about how he could improve all of this boring drivel. Sure he got the nice feeling of doing something nice and the happiness of others and all that but after a few centuries, it got dull. He made an entire universe and put each universe into an atom and then made an atom the smallest thing possible just to see how things would look in loop and as a sort of fast forward into the future. Sadly it was all the same, everybody was happy and there was sunshine and rainbows and smiles all around. Sure there was a little disease here and there but it was always getting cured or the creatures who suffered it went extinct.

So god realized that he had to shake things up because this couldn't on. It was just too boring. So one day God said to himself, 'I need a point of difference, something to separate the creatures and keep them apart from each other and yet I have to do it without really wholly separating them. Lions must still be lions and a giraffe must still be a giraffe' He realized that he must use one animal to separate all the other animals from each other. So he held a contest"

"A contest?" I asked
"Yes, a contest."
"Why would God hold a contest to use an animal to separate all the other animals?"
"Didn't I mention that? He was bored out of all three of his skulls."
"Oh...OK."
"Can I go on now?"
"Yeah allright"
"Good so as I was saying, God held a contest to see which was the most pathetic animal of them all. Each animal had to participate and each had to prove their case that they were the most pathetic animal. So the animals came forward one by one. The Hippo said "I'm so fat" and God said "More of you to love, fuck off" The elephant came forward and said "I'm so big and yet I have no decent teeth and kissing is a bitch with these noses." and God said "Yer teeth are for skewers to be used when you have a barbeque and the noses are there for swimming. Quit your complaining and show me some real complaints."

One band came forward and gave God a CD with Eleven Complaints on it. God heard the first few tracks, threw the CD into the bin and told the band that they should follow their CD there because that was where both belonged.

Slowly the animals went by and God was quite disappointed until he saw one particular creature that he couldn't remember creating. God said,
"You there, without the arms and legs. What are you doing and why haven't you come forth yet?"
The creature slithered forth.
"Any idea on how I made you?" God asked the creature.
The creature said, "You bet your friends that you couldn't cut off a thumb and all the fingers on one hand, then put the thumb in front of all the other fingers and create a living thing from it. Then you took a knife, poked two eye holes in and cut the thumb horizontally down the middle to create a mouth and voila I was born."

God was giggling quietly in the corner remembering a joke that he heard that day. The joke went like:

This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"

So God (after laughing in his head) then looks at the poor pathetic creature and rushes to the creature that he remembered he named as a snake and tries to hold it's hand up to say 'We have a winner' but instead catches it by the throat and then drops it realizing that it is choking. 'I shall put a replica of you at the end of a guys crotch and make a hole at the girls end for you to fit through. You shall be the cause of much pain and much pleasure. To make up for this insult, I shall give you fangs and the ability to unhinge your jaw and make yourself look bigger when something is inside you; I shall make it so that blood does the same to the replica of you on the man so that he can adequately fill up the woman's hole. I will also do this whole blood fill up thing because a woman should not be afforded this pleasure so easily; she should work to get the blood flowing in him."

So that is why every male has a penis. God didn't think of the other reproduction methods and they were all just cheap knockoffs of the snake in the front on the guy. The snake asked for other upgrades like speed, the ability to tell all sorts of things but sticking its tongue out and generating new skin.

So God did this and all was fine but in a while the woman were all like "We don't want to have to work this hard just to feel so good for a few moments every now and then. Can't we just be there and maybe lie down or do it doggy style? The men seem more eager than us anyway (even though it is better for us than them)" God said "Ok fine" but the women would have to suffer for five days every month as a price. God had already made the men extra horny so the women acted extra stubborn and in time made men prove that they worthy enough to give them pleasure. Men have never recovered from this travesty. Though, if you think about it,  the whole sex thing is really a sort of give and take thing. The woman took a bone out of the man so the man puts a boner in her."

"Wow that's some story. How many joints have you had...Mr...?"
"Heysoos is my name and I've had only six (Ten)." he says. "Why?"
"Oh. No reason." I reply reassuringly.
"You're an actual alien midget, aren't you? I haven't hallucinated you being here, have I?"
"Yes and nope"
"Fuck, I probably should've told you the version that my dad wrote in some book."

The future daughter of my dreams

So I was juggling bowling pins down the street and some random little girl comes up to me and says,
"Hey mister that's really cool. I can do something special too"
I said "Really, cool can you show me?"
"She said, "Yeah sure. Ok think of a number between one to ten and pick carefully."
I said "Ok I'll think now"
So I think.
And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And then I came up with the number "5"
I said, "Ok fine"

When I looked at her, she had shoved 5 of the pins I was juggling into different orifices in her body and she somehow managed to say







"Ta-dah"

Behold, I'm holding a duck

Dad was very angry when he found this duck. He said,
"Sebastien, why do have this duck with you? Are you ducking now?"
And I immediately went,
"No, no dad. I swear it's just for a friend. It's not mine. I would never duck. I'm just holding it for a friend" Of course I didn't tell him that he wasn't my dad and that my name was actually John and I was really a parrot with human hands. Luckily, he really was somebody's dad.
"Are you sure? Because if I find out that you're ducking behind my back then..." His voice trailed off. I couldn't be sure of what came after 'then' but I didn't want to find out.

He turned around and walked towards the table and reached for an apple. I honestly thought he just wanted an apple but no, he swirls around like an expert baseball pitcher and throws it at me. Using my quick parrot reflexes, I do the natural thing that any parrot would do in this situation. I duck and then he says
"Aha."
I say "Aha what?"
"Aha you ducked and you did it behind my back."
I said "No I ducked in front of your back"
"You ducked in front of me? Have you no shame? Don't you respect your parents? I thought I raised you right. I'm very disappointed" He suddenly had a very disappointed look on his face which probably went with what he said when he said that he was disappointed.

Anyway, I said "No dad, it's not you, it's me. I've been going through a lot lately. Last night I noticed I had no seeds in my bowl and I was very sad. I didn't want to worry you by telling you about it."
"Oh son, you know you can tell me anything." (If it's getting a bit weird at this point don't worry this post, like many others really has no point) "Here son, have some weed and give me a hug."
He came rushing at me with the pot of weed to give me a hug and hugged me. He then said
"Son why don't you hug me back?" I wanted to tell him it was because I had wings and the hands were my feet and my brain was made of foam but this man was really emotional so I just said
"I'm sorry dad, I've been ducking so much lately, I'can't even lift my arms"
"Oh son we're going to get you all the help you need. Let's start by getting you laid. Isn't there any girls you know whom you like who would be willing to fuck you for 20 grand?"
Normally I would accept this offer but I would rather have the money myself. So I told him...well I told him nothing and flew straight out of there, duck in hand.

The last thing I heard him say, "Oh I guess my son must've had that sex change because he now uses 'Wings' "

(o_O)

I'm a proud shitizen

I am, I really am a proud shitizen. It's where you pretend to be a citizen but you're breaking so many laws and so anti-government that you just become a shit member of society.

Example: I don't vote, I steal, I bribe, I make religious slurs and I even litter. That's how bad I am.

On the other hand, as an alien midget, this is my adopted planet and I'm not really meant to be here but I'm really no different from any other bad immigrant. I'm a parasite on society and I don't contribute to it's well being. Maybe I don't go out and disrupt society as a whole but I dream of it from time to time.

My grey skin would be enough to make many people fed up of illegal aliens. I would be the ultimate tipping point. And I would do it naked as well.

My horrible nightmare

The day is the 31st of October. So I was trying a nice cocktail of drugs that included some speed, ecstasy, marijuana and a spot of LSD. It was all great. I saw colours and cool shapes and everybody around me was on the same thing and they kept telling me what an awesome Halloween costume I had on. It was actually a really great costume, I was dressed as a Dracula with electrodes coming out of my neck and a stitched head a la ole Frankie's monster. Plus I had a stake coming out of my heart. Apparently it was a great mix of two classics. The story behind the costume was that after Dracula had the stake put through him, he died and to remove the stake would mean to render me as dust but Frankenstein (the scientist's name was Dr. Frankenstein and everybody confuses the monster with him) figured that out and I had still had a working brain so I could be brought back and do the bidding of the good doctor.

Totally bitchin. That's what everyone was saying about me and my costume and we were all high. Anyway so all was going good and I was really enjoying myself, I even met this nice girl who was studying in a college nearby and had this really awesome dorm room that was like, in a hotel or something. We did it a few times (10 times) in the dark and all was well. I snuck out after I was done (she had passed out from exhaustion at 7 i think). I got home safely and the cops didn't catch me or anything.

I went and crashed straight into bed and I had the worst nightmare ever. I dreamed that I was a human midget girl with a nice rack. I was on this other guys bike and we were just enjoying the ride (but for some reason, I felt like riding him). Then he gets a call and we go to meet a friend of his. Before I know it, I'm transported to this room where I'm bent over and being butt-fucked by this random guy. He is just loving it with all his stupid heavy breathing and his about to come in my ass (serious bad pain). My huge knockers are slapping me in the face with every thrust and I get more and more freaked out every time this guy goes "Aaah". I turn around to get a look at his face, he smiles at me and I wonder how the fuck did I end up being ass-raped by this really creepy fat guy. I only looked once to see his face and then turned away because he was about to cum and I definitely did not want to see his face as he came. I drew a rough picture because i couldn't remember all the details and I'm desperately trying to forget.
This is what I saw when I turned around. It's quite disgusting I know, just imagine if my drawing skills were better. Well I felt the disgusting dripping in my ass and woke up screaming. It was so bad I tell you. I just felt I had to blog about this. As I write this, I relive it all again slowly, my thoughts move frame-by-frame, in slow motion making me remember every moment of agony.

Next time, I'll leave out the weed. Weed supposedly makes everything move slowly anyway. Thank the goodness of dreams that this was not real, it must be downright agonizing to go through being touched by such a horrendous creature in real life. Ughhh the sheer thoughts send a chill down my electrodes.

The midget writes a poem

As an alien midget, I'm all about the experimentation: be it sexually, politically or even literary, there isn't anything I'm not willing to try (except diseases). So I could go ahead and give you an account about how I once actually left a gate and an apple on either side of this random womans bed because I thought that she looked like Christina Applegate (i hate that woman and the woman in the bed but I saw the funny even if she just saw the need to call 911) but instead I'm going to write a poem for all you awesome people out there who love reading poems.

I once upon a time
Came from the stars
Which planet am I from
Saturn, Jupiter or Mars?

I came to this place
That you call Earth
It's got a little life
But it's mostly got dirt

I decided to go
And swim in the sea
My skin started to melt
Very very slowly

So i got out
Of the god forsaken water
Went to a farm
And fucked a farmers daughter

She said "For a midget
You're quite excel-lunt"
I hated that accent
But still came in her cunt

She moaned and groaned
Till I told her to shut her damn mouth
And made her go down
Till my blue alien juice came out

Two weeks later
She was found dead
Some dude had poisoned her
And smashed her head

He also stole
Whatever she had
It was a 100 bucks
So he was quite glad

I can only laugh
And feel sweet relief
That my soon to be kid
Was killed by a thief

10 (bullshit) Benefits of Kissing

1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t. (I'm an alien midget, I shall live forever)
2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind. (2 foot alien midget -> Big inferiority complex, this one is a no go)
3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to loose an entire extra pound! It's time to start that kissing diet! (i'm an alien midget, i'm small enough as it is and now you want me to lose weight...phffff fuck off)
4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone. ( the only time i feel stressed is at work and i would have to kiss my co-workers to relieve the stress and in the office, they call that SEXUAL HARASSMENT so no thank you)
5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation. (let me explain, as an alien on this planet my skin is quite taut and healty, its why I moved here)
6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol. (i have a body which doesn't have a heart, our lifeforce comes from the dirt, i do have a penis though)
7. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections. (no stomach, no bladder and i have green radioactive goo in my body that I guess qualifies as blood)
8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain. (i have drugs for relieving pain...booooring...next!)
9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the 'noise' in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace. (oh ok...i just kissed an elephant and i feel more anxious than ever...maybe because there is a tusk in my ass)
10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine. (ok you caught me, the reason i left my home planet is that I took every last bit of my planets most powerful drug and there was no place to stash it without getting suspicious so i came here. I've tried morphine, on my planet we called it Water)

The Prodigy ant

What I do when I get inspired and have time on my hands

It will only take 16 seconds of your time. It is stop motion of the ant symbol of The Prodigy. Background Music is a part of Whirly 3 (Remix by Simon Emmerson, James McNally & Mass) by Afro Celt Sound System. The Prodigy ant is copyright of The Prodigy and Whirly 3 (Remix by Simon Emmerson, James McNally & Mass) is copyright of Afro Celt Sound System

Manchester United Fans are all assholes

Secretly (but mostly openly) all ManU fans are assholes. Some can hide it but most can't. As a fan of tea, I'm not sure about the other clubs in football. Let me explain why and how I came to this conclusion.

I was relaxing one day in a small cafe on crofton street at Manchester and I glance over to this pub. I was having a nice cup of earl grey when all of a sudden the pub across the street which was fairly quiet, erupts with a magnitude of Manchester United fans streaming out and shouting "Glory, Glory Man United" I think that these are good natured fans who just saw their team win and are on their way home after witnessing a great game.

How wrong I was.

Everybody who was on the street started panicking and running for their lives. They were screaming in sheer terror. One woman was grabbed by these hooligans and she shouted "Please don't hurt me. Save me. Help!" One fan went and grabbed this little baby, spat in its eye, dropped the baby and ran off. I was wondering if I should take off as well but my tea was still hot and there wasn't a waiter in sight that I could pay either. During my pondering, one of the fans came up to me and demanded to know which club I support. I told him I didn't support any club, not football anyway (The Appreciation of Tea Society is the only club I really support). He immediately called me a wanker and broke a table right next to me and took a small piece of wood that got chipped off the table and dropped it in my tea. He then told me to support Manchester United, the greatest football team in the world and then calmly walked off singing some song which I only caught the beginning words of, it started with "Saw my mate the other day..."
I just sat there for a good minute quite stunned and then realized that I should have thrown my tea in that guys face. The sheer assholeness of his actions actually rendered my brain and body without movement for a while.
These Manchester United fans. What assholes.

I abandoned my now destroyed tea which I had been looking forward to having all afternoon and went to go order another one but the cafe now said "Closed" and the door was locked. I felt absolutely gutted. I wondered about the atmosphere in the pub that the hooligans had just come out from and maybe if they thought I was amongst them, they wouldn't be such assholes. Was I in for a surprise or what? I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Two guys were next to me saying goodbye to each other. One left and the one who stayed turned around and said
"Hey can I ask you something?"
"Yeah sure." was my reply.
"Did you see that guy who just walked out of here?" Without waiting for me to answer he went on "That guy and me are really great friends and I slept with his wife" He then flashed me a big smile. I didn't smile back but I was puzzled and I asked him
"If you guys are such good friends, why did you sleep with his wife?"
"Because he killed my dog"
"Why did he kill your dog?"
"Because I stole his job."
"Why did you have to steal his job, he's your friend isn't he?"
"Well, you obviously don't know us then," His voice started to rise, in jubilation not anger, "We're supporters of Manchester United Football Club and we do whatever the fuck we want" The whole bar heard the last sentence and they all let out a big cheer of "Yeaaay"
I rest my case. Here is a picture I compiled to illustrate my point.

Coffee has made me sleepy. Tea is awesome

I had coffee. It made me sleepy. Maybe it was coffee suffering from a deep seated identity crisis that caused it to stop caring about its job, say 'I quit', become lazy and consequently go on to infect anybody else who had gone on to drink its lazy ass. I was one such victim.

The fact that I'm posting this at 3:21 AM has nothing to do with the coffee I drank. I frequently stay up, watch pornography and then jump from building to building and eat flies. You may have heard of me as the "The Toad Man" or "The Frog Man". Keep in mind that I bear no resemblance to the "Milk Man" or the "Post Man" or the "Beer Man" and I strictly bear no resemblance to "The Man".

If you're wondering, the pornography makes me the "Frog Man" (or "The Croaky Hopper" as I like to call myself). You know how the Hulk needs to get angry to turn into the hulk, likewise, the Croaky Hopper needs pornography.

Anyway today, there happens to be a shortage of flies and I feel rather enlightened after hopping all the way to the Himalayas and meeting a bunch of sadhus who gave me cool things to smoke, eat and drink that caused all these wise words to come forth from me. I don't know if they are actually wise but the fact that I'm seeing women transform into metallic gates should be testimony enough that typing this is quite an accomplishment. Be proud of me, dammit.

Sorry about that, its just that there isn't much porn or flies in these mountains and I was disappointed to not find any yetis either. Ok scratch that, this thing that looks like a yeti is in the corner of the room eating a lollipop made of noodles. I expected yetis to be big and fearsome, this one is about 3 feet tall and apparently has no genitals and hence no discernible gender. This should put a rest to the term the abominable snow-'man' as it looks like the abominable snow-'WTF?'

Never mind that. Maybe coffee in the himalayas just isn't as good as it is in Panama. Those Hispanics make good coffee. It puts you to sleep really fast and makes your wallet and worldly possessions that you have with you disappear. It was so cool. It only worked once though. Maybe it was because I didn't have anything more to give the coffee god or maybe it is because pornography makes me half man and half reptile or maybe it was just beginners luck.

Anyway, the people here make awesome tea. It's all they drink in terms of hot beverages. FYI, yak milk, not so bad. Tea is awesome. The next time I'm out catching flies, I'm going to keep a flask of tea ready and a spoon to dissolve the flies in.

Tea is good.

Frog porno below. Not as good as human porno. I watch human porno in my human self. Frog porno, I just do in my spare time for extra cash but I don't watch the stuff. This is a still from one of my fetish movies. I'm in costume because I like playing roles as it gives me a chance to really get into a characters head. Viewer discretion is advised. Do not scroll down if you are below 18 years of age or are sensitive to sexual imagery.































image from http://photos.mongabay.com/08/0311frog11.jpg