I was having a nice conversation about God with this carpenter dude I met (My table was wobbling and I needed someone to fix it, he seemed cool, he even had long hair) and he told me that he knew the real story of how dudes got their penises. He was all like 'Yeah, man, I asked my dad and he told me the real thing and he's my dad so I gotta believe him but truth be told, I kind of believe it on my own. Though my dad can be quite a drag, he wants me to be a farmer or shepherd and climb some mountains and shit. It's weird, man. Hey what were we talking about?"
I couldn't remember so I said, "Yo this guy walks into a store and asks the clerk for some gummy bears. The clerk walks outside the store, then comes back in an hour later with three bear cubs covered in chewing gum and says 'You might not want to touch 'em yet. The gum is still sticky and my jaw hurts like hell.' "
We burst out laughing and then I tell the carpenter that I need to take a leak. The carpenter guy goes, "Oh yeah the story of the penis, you might want to hold it in until I tell you, it will give you a whole new perspective on peeing and ejaculating and everything." So I say, " Ok but make it quick." The carpenter snaps his fingers at my stomach and says "Ok all the water in your system is now wine, behold, you are drunk and no longer have to pee."
So I get all drunk happy and stumble over to him and accidentally spill the water bottle on his legs and quickly clean it up. He unzips his pants after I bend down to grab a rag to wipe the water off and asks "Are the rags there for when I come on your face?"
I almost fall backwards and sputter out "Dude wtf?" Realizing that I was just going to swab the water off and nothing else, he pulls his pants back up and zips up. Then he sheepishly says to me, "Oh ....ummm....sorry....I thought I made you drunk enough. Sorry, my bad. Oh and please don't tell anyone about this. Over here, you get nailed to wood or something " I forgive him and tell him to just tell me the story.
"Oh yeah ok fine, see in the beginning, no creature had any penises and no vaginas and god was just creating offspring and sending them on angels. Back then angels, looked like todays storks and brought kids wrapped in cloth in their beaks. Couples were happy and never fought but they never fucked either. That's right, nobody ever had angry sex. Not even an alpha male chimpanzee who recently got new territory. God didn't like this. No sex made everything blah. Everybody was happy all the time and all was well in the world and God was wondering about how he could improve all of this boring drivel. Sure he got the nice feeling of doing something nice and the happiness of others and all that but after a few centuries, it got dull. He made an entire universe and put each universe into an atom and then made an atom the smallest thing possible just to see how things would look in loop and as a sort of fast forward into the future. Sadly it was all the same, everybody was happy and there was sunshine and rainbows and smiles all around. Sure there was a little disease here and there but it was always getting cured or the creatures who suffered it went extinct.
So god realized that he had to shake things up because this couldn't on. It was just too boring. So one day God said to himself, 'I need a point of difference, something to separate the creatures and keep them apart from each other and yet I have to do it without really wholly separating them. Lions must still be lions and a giraffe must still be a giraffe' He realized that he must use one animal to separate all the other animals from each other. So he held a contest"
"A contest?" I asked
"Yes, a contest."
"Why would God hold a contest to use an animal to separate all the other animals?"
"Didn't I mention that? He was bored out of all three of his skulls."
"Oh...OK."
"Can I go on now?"
"Yeah allright"
"Good so as I was saying, God held a contest to see which was the most pathetic animal of them all. Each animal had to participate and each had to prove their case that they were the most pathetic animal. So the animals came forward one by one. The Hippo said "I'm so fat" and God said "More of you to love, fuck off" The elephant came forward and said "I'm so big and yet I have no decent teeth and kissing is a bitch with these noses." and God said "Yer teeth are for skewers to be used when you have a barbeque and the noses are there for swimming. Quit your complaining and show me some real complaints."
One band came forward and gave God a CD with Eleven Complaints on it. God heard the first few tracks, threw the CD into the bin and told the band that they should follow their CD there because that was where both belonged.
Slowly the animals went by and God was quite disappointed until he saw one particular creature that he couldn't remember creating. God said,
"You there, without the arms and legs. What are you doing and why haven't you come forth yet?"
The creature slithered forth.
"Any idea on how I made you?" God asked the creature.
The creature said, "You bet your friends that you couldn't cut off a thumb and all the fingers on one hand, then put the thumb in front of all the other fingers and create a living thing from it. Then you took a knife, poked two eye holes in and cut the thumb horizontally down the middle to create a mouth and voila I was born."
God was giggling quietly in the corner remembering a joke that he heard that day. The joke went like:
This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"
So God (after laughing in his head) then looks at the poor pathetic creature and rushes to the creature that he remembered he named as a snake and tries to hold it's hand up to say 'We have a winner' but instead catches it by the throat and then drops it realizing that it is choking. 'I shall put a replica of you at the end of a guys crotch and make a hole at the girls end for you to fit through. You shall be the cause of much pain and much pleasure. To make up for this insult, I shall give you fangs and the ability to unhinge your jaw and make yourself look bigger when something is inside you; I shall make it so that blood does the same to the replica of you on the man so that he can adequately fill up the woman's hole. I will also do this whole blood fill up thing because a woman should not be afforded this pleasure so easily; she should work to get the blood flowing in him."
So that is why every male has a penis. God didn't think of the other reproduction methods and they were all just cheap knockoffs of the snake in the front on the guy. The snake asked for other upgrades like speed, the ability to tell all sorts of things but sticking its tongue out and generating new skin.
So God did this and all was fine but in a while the woman were all like "We don't want to have to work this hard just to feel so good for a few moments every now and then. Can't we just be there and maybe lie down or do it doggy style? The men seem more eager than us anyway (even though it is better for us than them)" God said "Ok fine" but the women would have to suffer for five days every month as a price. God had already made the men extra horny so the women acted extra stubborn and in time made men prove that they worthy enough to give them pleasure. Men have never recovered from this travesty. Though, if you think about it, the whole sex thing is really a sort of give and take thing. The woman took a bone out of the man so the man puts a boner in her."
"Wow that's some story. How many joints have you had...Mr...?"
"Heysoos is my name and I've had only six (Ten)." he says. "Why?"
"Oh. No reason." I reply reassuringly.
"You're an actual alien midget, aren't you? I haven't hallucinated you being here, have I?"
"Yes and nope"
"Fuck, I probably should've told you the version that my dad wrote in some book."
