I was relaxing one day in a small cafe on crofton street at Manchester and I glance over to this pub. I was having a nice cup of earl grey when all of a sudden the pub across the street which was fairly quiet, erupts with a magnitude of Manchester United fans streaming out and shouting "Glory, Glory Man United" I think that these are good natured fans who just saw their team win and are on their way home after witnessing a great game.
How wrong I was.
Everybody who was on the street started panicking and running for their lives. They were screaming in sheer terror. One woman was grabbed by these hooligans and she shouted "Please don't hurt me. Save me. Help!" One fan went and grabbed this little baby, spat in its eye, dropped the baby and ran off. I was wondering if I should take off as well but my tea was still hot and there wasn't a waiter in sight that I could pay either. During my pondering, one of the fans came up to me and demanded to know which club I support. I told him I didn't support any club, not football anyway (The Appreciation of Tea Society is the only club I really support). He immediately called me a wanker and broke a table right next to me and took a small piece of wood that got chipped off the table and dropped it in my tea. He then told me to support Manchester United, the greatest football team in the world and then calmly walked off singing some song which I only caught the beginning words of, it started with "Saw my mate the other day..."
I just sat there for a good minute quite stunned and then realized that I should have thrown my tea in that guys face. The sheer assholeness of his actions actually rendered my brain and body without movement for a while.
These Manchester United fans. What assholes.
I abandoned my now destroyed tea which I had been looking forward to having all afternoon and went to go order another one but the cafe now said "Closed" and the door was locked. I felt absolutely gutted. I wondered about the atmosphere in the pub that the hooligans had just come out from and maybe if they thought I was amongst them, they wouldn't be such assholes. Was I in for a surprise or what? I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Two guys were next to me saying goodbye to each other. One left and the one who stayed turned around and said
"Hey can I ask you something?"
"Yeah sure." was my reply.
"Did you see that guy who just walked out of here?" Without waiting for me to answer he went on "That guy and me are really great friends and I slept with his wife" He then flashed me a big smile. I didn't smile back but I was puzzled and I asked him
"If you guys are such good friends, why did you sleep with his wife?"
"Because he killed my dog"
"Why did he kill your dog?"
"Because I stole his job."
"Why did you have to steal his job, he's your friend isn't he?"
"Well, you obviously don't know us then," His voice started to rise, in jubilation not anger, "We're supporters of Manchester United Football Club and we do whatever the fuck we want" The whole bar heard the last sentence and they all let out a big cheer of "Yeaaay"
I rest my case. Here is a picture I compiled to illustrate my point.
fuck united
ReplyDelete