10 (bullshit) Benefits of Kissing

1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t. (I'm an alien midget, I shall live forever)
2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind. (2 foot alien midget -> Big inferiority complex, this one is a no go)
3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to loose an entire extra pound! It's time to start that kissing diet! (i'm an alien midget, i'm small enough as it is and now you want me to lose weight...phffff fuck off)
4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone. ( the only time i feel stressed is at work and i would have to kiss my co-workers to relieve the stress and in the office, they call that SEXUAL HARASSMENT so no thank you)
5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation. (let me explain, as an alien on this planet my skin is quite taut and healty, its why I moved here)
6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol. (i have a body which doesn't have a heart, our lifeforce comes from the dirt, i do have a penis though)
7. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections. (no stomach, no bladder and i have green radioactive goo in my body that I guess qualifies as blood)
8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain. (i have drugs for relieving pain...booooring...next!)
9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the 'noise' in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace. (oh ok...i just kissed an elephant and i feel more anxious than ever...maybe because there is a tusk in my ass)
10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine. (ok you caught me, the reason i left my home planet is that I took every last bit of my planets most powerful drug and there was no place to stash it without getting suspicious so i came here. I've tried morphine, on my planet we called it Water)