Scooby does what?

Answer: Scooby 'doobie doo'

Belated happy new year!

Err, just realised that it's 2012 already. Getting too bummed out to keep track of time...

Anyway, happy new year to all the stoners of the world! Get high everyday higher than last year and even higher than the year before last till 21st Dec. 2012 (the day the world would end). Also, do catch the film 2012. That motherfucker spent 200 m US dollars to show us our fate.

Doomsday better end that way, or else...

We'll save that topic for the 22nd of December 2012.

This is your last resort!

At some point, stoners face the problem when it comes to the regular flow of stuff when their 'sources' get busted or they simply just run out of cash. And we all know how important it is for the stoner to have that constant 'highness'. Alien Midget understands that.

Hence, Alien Midget came up with inexpensive yet effective ways of getting high which he would like to share with all of you over time. These techniques may not give you the high that your stuff normally would, but nevertheless, it's much better than nothing.


The spinning demon
To get really high using this technique, all you need is a swivel chair and a helping hand. Adjust your chair well & make sure you're seated comfortably. Don't get too comfortable or else you'll end up snoring away to glory.

Now, ask your friend to begin spinning the chair slowly. This is very important and ideally your friend should spin the chair around 28-30 times a minute. Once your head is accustomed to the spinning, tell your friend to up the ante a bit and spin the chair faster. And faster. And faster. And even more faster, till it touches around 80-90 or maximum 100 rotations a minute. The spinning should last for a minimum 5 minutes for effective results.

Once you feel "Its high time", yell at your friend to stop immediately. Your friend would then have to bring the spinning demon to an instant halt.





Are you high now?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I bet your high ass you are!


After a while, I'm pretty sure you'd be normal again, so Alien Midget suggests that you repeat this procedure 8 times in 2 hrs to maintain a continuous high.



Alien Midget certified highness: 3/5.



to be continued...

Warning

There's a pizza place called Hell Pizza and I told the guy giving me my pizza that when he wanks, he won't go to hell.

But his sperm will.

The contents of my thrash can

Is a lot of tissue paper.

Wink. Wink.

Good thing you don't need free hands to wink.

The original post has been deleted because the person who this post was addressed to didn't give a fuck. Not a tiny-winy bit of it. So I deleted this post.

Now I'm not gonna complain or crib or even bitch about that person because that person didn't give a fuck. And if that person hasn't given a fuck, I shouldn't complain or crib or bitch about that person. Because if I do, that'll mean I give a fuck. And if I give a fuck, I expect to be given a fuck in return, (which would be great). But sadly, that person hasn't given a fuck.

If you're wondering what this post is all about, well, it's a stoned thought. And stoned thoughts should be put down to paper as soon as you get em' or else you won't remember it when you're un-stoned. Also, stoned thoughts are clear thoughts written in un-clear language and vice-versa. And they're profound. And genius. And everything associated with the word 'awesome'.

If you still can't figure out what I'm talking about all this while, read between the lines.

For now, I've got the munchies. Until next time.

Should I call the police?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ring ring

The call goes to voicemail /answering machine.

My voice comes on.

"I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now. I'm between thighs at the moment."

Writers cock

I've been suffering from that thing that allows me to not make nice stories and good shit.

Speaking of which, dude, do you have any good shit?

Huh? Yeah so anyway. I was with this girl and she was all up enjoying my tongue and I was enjoying hers. I learned that 69 is my new favourite number. Hers too but only with me.

But the thing that makes me uncomfortable about her is that when she asks for a booty call, it's going to be anal. Me, ima get high, get the munchies, eat some pussy kind of guy.

Trust me, get stoned and your lady will love you for it. You'll think you're going all fast but you'll be going just right. Stoned fuckers are the best fuckers. Sometimes, limp fuckers but we can eat that pussy like...like we want to eat it actually.

Just don't leave midway for a snack.

Or if you must, use sausages.

I never thought that I would understand the power of love or making love while watching a porno. I mean, pornography is almost a farce of real sex. It’s almost like it’s turned sexuality on it’s head and in pure pornographic style, stuck it’s dick in it. Pornography is most of the time beyond fake and so far up it’s own ass in insane fantasy world that it turns completely stupid. In fact, it turns stupid to aspire to be such. As a pornographic star, he or she knows that their body is seen by lots of people in it’s most intimate ways but are not concerned with things like story and accurate representation of the real world of meetings and social interactions.




It is exactly the same kind of fantasy that never should have been created to begin with. I suppose that those same people are just trying to make some cash to support a family and pay their bills but this has forced completely uncreative souls to take the helms. A man walks into a store, tells a woman that she has a nice body and then take her home to fuck her for 35 minutes because he took some pill.



Fuck. There is another interesting thing. Only people in porn films fuck, for the rest of the human population, they’re not interested in fucking. Most of them want to make love, serious love with the other person, for it to be a closed intimate affair of a bond that is felt deeply within both individuals. That you feel something special for this person only, but we all know that times change and people change so we are driven to others. We always seek out to truly be in love and make love unless you’re a complete narcissist who prides himself on quantity and not quality. Usually though, people who seek out the porn sex are just going through a rough faze. In time, they will get old and weary and see how empty their lives are then they will seek out true love or face loneliness.





We have progressed in such a way that even tribal people, on some level, understand the meaning of the union of two people and that it is sacred. They understand pain, loss, hurt. Even they would not make love the way people in pornographic movies do. To do it like that in real life is to not enjoy the act at all, that now it has became a game or a competition.



Porn has bestowed a stupidity about sex, so to say. I always admire movies where the sex scenes are realistically portrayed. I find it more titillating than outright porn. I see skill, truth and dignity in those scenes.


But that being said, I still get off on porno. All hail the humble hypocrite!

How to enjoy the magic of weed without actually smoking it

There are many ways to enjoy marijuana without smoking it.

1.) Roast it in butter or oil in a double boiler for 2 hours and make food (read: brownies) with it (weed on the stalk will do, no specific need for cleaning it)
2.) Get plants in your house for ornamental purposes. They can grow very tall and male plants look extra nice due to the lack of ugly seeds and they live longer too
3.) The leaves can be turned into paper
4.) The leaves can be turned into a bag (you would be going green because your bag would be totally organic)
5.) The leaves can be preserved in frames and hung on walls
and last but not the least:

6.)YOU CAN SELL IT FOR MONEY!!!

It's limericks time

This time I threw in a little graphic poem to start things off and then we move on to the limericks section. So suspend your disbelief and sit back to limericks galore

The man who has homicidal tendencies
He feels love for none
So puts up his walls
And slaughters his son


He killed his wife
His daughter too
He even killed the giraffe
When he broke into the zoo

(the giraffes are evil, they must die, Eddie Izzard believes in evil giraffes too, just watch "Eddie Izzard: Glorious")

(now on to the limericks)

There once was a man who lived on ice floes
How he lived that way, still nobody knows
He was found in a real bed
Getting some pretty good head
For once he chose hoes before floes


There once was a very old virile geezer
who serviced a girl while listening to Weezer
She found it pleasant and juicy
His tongue in her moisturized pussy
Poor bastard then died just trying to please her


Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow
And every where that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go

She snorted much cocaine
It went straight to her brain
The lamb then asked if her if he could finish off the blow


There once was a woman with a nice rack
and a sexy angel tattoo on her back
She had too much small dick
This habit she'd kick
So now all the guys she does are black


They say Robin Hood was a lie, he did not exist
And Maid Marian was a woman that he never kissed
From the porno I had seen
A good marksman, he hadn't been
Because he aimed his cum for her mouth and then missed

Some advice for men everywhere

• If you feel the need to sneeze coming on then rush to the bathroom, pull down your pants and start peeing. When you actually sneeze, you will find that you have peed completely and instantly in one second
• If you're unemployed then don't spend money on prostitutes and if you are employed then paying them by the month will actually turn out to be cheaper if you're really horny.
• Remember that zips on pants are our friends even if you are being invaded by terrorists and a bullet lands somewhere in your body. This will still be less painful than having your pee pee caught in your fly. Remember to always take your time. The terrorists will probably think of you as a real man for doing so.
  
• If you're banging a woman who has kids, remember to bang her in your place or at a hotel and never where her kids are around. You don't want to say no to some brat who's asking you whether you're his dad when your dick is having the time of his life.
• If in doubt, use a condom. If still scared about the "Only 97% effective" label on condoms and you can take some pain, get a vasectomy. If too cheap or scared to keep condoms, cut your dick and balls off and make that area into a pussy, you pussy.
• A woman doesn't want to wait all night to come so don't think that being able to go for an hour makes you better. However, if you can make her come 3 times in an hour, that's worth practising for. If she can do the same to you, she's a keeper.
• The best answer that you can give when someone asks you "How did you do that?" is "With my penis" and is a much better answer when said person is pointing to a hot chick that you banged
  
• (Euphemism Warning) It is better to ask for warning first or if that condition exists than feel like a freshly sprayed watered plant later
• Men should remember to be men. On my planet, we were so man enough to handle everything that all we had to do was approach a woman we fancied and tell her to bend over. The woman knew that I was man enough to be banging her in the middle of the day in public. It meant that I had taken care of things at home and at work plus time for self improvement and this is the time left over random power sex.We were man enough to handle our sex and man enough to handle our responsibilities. I understand one or more tribes in Africa follow the same custom.
  
• Finally I wish all the men to not get or give STDs to or from any sideways talking desperate sluts out  there.
  

This blog will be down until the 10th of October or slightly later

because things have gone haywire. See below

  Fuck off! I thought it was funny

A few reasons on why it would be great to be a ninja

1. You would be super quiet, sneaky and virtually invisible in the dark.
2. You would kill people for a living and never get caught (one of the more esteemed professions on my old planet)
3. You get to wield a sword and tools from a sacred art.
4. Brilliant agility and patience as well
   
5. Video games would be based on you plus movies, TV, comics, websites, art but most importantly

• You may just get to be an incarnation of a powerful Nine Tailed Fox in an orange jumpsuit and get to say "Dattebayo"

Jesus gives so that others may take

So I decided to be a little more radical and in turn be a little more me in doing this. Fuck all of you non-smoking assholes. Weed is awesome. Drugs are good and Jesus is gay. No, really, Jesus is gay, I read it myself.

Jesus was walking near the water (his training for walking on the water) and he came across a guy named Levi who had some tax related issues or he was a tax collector, one of the two, I can't be sure which.

Anyway so Jesus sees him and thinks, "Wow! How hot is that! A guy whose job it is to take money from people and make them miserable. He must never get laid because all the women would be traitors to their families if any of them slept with him. Yeah by now he probably hates women. I so have a shot."

So Jesus miraculously got naked and said to him "Leave all your things and fuck me." This man immediately got transformed at seeing the Lord's presence in front of him (a bit too much of his presence). So, keeping his eyes transfixed on Jesus and his supposedly awesome bod, he slowly started to take off his clothing and then he said, "Yes lord I will fuck you." Then Jesus got scared of the idea of anal penetration and the problem of the not-yet-invented-lube so he had to think really fast so he said, "I am the bearer of good things. I do not taketh, (wink in his eye and a slight smile on his face) I giveth!"

Then the Lord rode the man missionary style, for the man wanted to keep his eyes on the magnificent Lord and did not want to bend over. The Lord rode him hard until the sweet jesus juice came out of him like many strikes of lightening in the mans most intimate and private cavity on his body. The man, his eyes still transfixed and his ass badly bleeding now, asked the Lord, "Lord, how was it for you?"

And the Lord said, "It was good."

The stoner poem

As an alien midget, I love hanging out with stoners because they never want to cut me up or ask me questions about where I come from or what I do. The only questions I've ever been asked is "Hey man. Could I get a light?" and "Dude you want some more?" Seeing as how my forked tongue has the ability to create fire, they like having me around as well. The fire keeps changing colour so I tend to be a good source of entertainment. One of them wrote a poem on weed and told me to put it up on my blog. This is their poem:

The Stoner poem

I'm just smoking a joint
To prove a point

The government says it outlawed
But the government is so very flawed

I smoke my weed and it makes my day
I get happy wasted so what do you got to say?

I'm not a bad guy,
I just love my weed
I'm not the root of the problem
I'm just the seed

Everybody should toke a little bit
There ain't nothing wrong with a little hit

I'm just a stoner, beat down to the grind
Cos people can't chill and just unwind

Don't take my shit away cos you say it's wrong
Come on and chill with me and smoke along
I like to just tap my bong
Smoke some weed and sing a song

I think I was high when I wrote this
I don't care I was humping your missus

So in conclusion, I like my good high stuff
It's much better than all your sober fluff

The Real story of how man got a penis

I was having a nice conversation about God with this carpenter dude I met (My table was wobbling and I needed someone to fix it, he seemed cool, he even had long hair) and he told me that he knew the real story of how dudes got their penises. He was all like 'Yeah, man, I asked my dad and he told me the real thing and he's my dad so I gotta believe him but truth be told, I kind of believe it on my own. Though my dad can be quite a drag, he wants me to be a farmer or shepherd and climb some mountains and shit. It's weird, man. Hey what were we talking about?"
I couldn't remember so I said, "Yo this guy walks into a store and asks the clerk for some gummy bears. The clerk walks outside the store, then comes back in an hour later with three bear cubs covered in chewing gum and says 'You might not want to touch 'em yet. The gum is still sticky and my jaw hurts like hell.' "

We burst out laughing and then I tell the carpenter that I need to take a leak. The carpenter guy goes, "Oh yeah the story of the penis, you might want to hold it in until I tell you, it will give you a whole new perspective on peeing and ejaculating and everything." So I say, " Ok but make it quick." The carpenter snaps his fingers at my stomach and says "Ok all the water in your system is now wine, behold, you are drunk and no longer have to pee."
So I get all drunk happy and stumble over to him and accidentally spill the water bottle on his legs and quickly clean it up. He unzips his pants after I bend down to grab a rag to wipe the water off and asks "Are the rags there for when I come on your face?"

I almost fall backwards and sputter out "Dude wtf?" Realizing that I was just going to swab the water off and nothing else, he pulls his pants back up and zips up. Then he sheepishly says to me, "Oh ....ummm....sorry....I thought I made you drunk enough. Sorry, my bad. Oh and please don't tell anyone about this. Over here, you get nailed to wood or something " I forgive him and tell him to just tell me the story.
"Oh yeah ok fine, see in the beginning, no creature had any penises and no vaginas and god was just creating offspring and sending them on angels. Back then angels, looked like todays storks and brought kids wrapped in cloth in their beaks. Couples were happy and never fought but they never fucked either. That's right, nobody ever had angry sex. Not even an alpha male chimpanzee who recently got new territory. God didn't like this. No sex made everything blah. Everybody was happy all the time and all was well in the world and God was wondering about how he could improve all of this boring drivel. Sure he got the nice feeling of doing something nice and the happiness of others and all that but after a few centuries, it got dull. He made an entire universe and put each universe into an atom and then made an atom the smallest thing possible just to see how things would look in loop and as a sort of fast forward into the future. Sadly it was all the same, everybody was happy and there was sunshine and rainbows and smiles all around. Sure there was a little disease here and there but it was always getting cured or the creatures who suffered it went extinct.

So god realized that he had to shake things up because this couldn't on. It was just too boring. So one day God said to himself, 'I need a point of difference, something to separate the creatures and keep them apart from each other and yet I have to do it without really wholly separating them. Lions must still be lions and a giraffe must still be a giraffe' He realized that he must use one animal to separate all the other animals from each other. So he held a contest"

"A contest?" I asked
"Yes, a contest."
"Why would God hold a contest to use an animal to separate all the other animals?"
"Didn't I mention that? He was bored out of all three of his skulls."
"Oh...OK."
"Can I go on now?"
"Yeah allright"
"Good so as I was saying, God held a contest to see which was the most pathetic animal of them all. Each animal had to participate and each had to prove their case that they were the most pathetic animal. So the animals came forward one by one. The Hippo said "I'm so fat" and God said "More of you to love, fuck off" The elephant came forward and said "I'm so big and yet I have no decent teeth and kissing is a bitch with these noses." and God said "Yer teeth are for skewers to be used when you have a barbeque and the noses are there for swimming. Quit your complaining and show me some real complaints."

One band came forward and gave God a CD with Eleven Complaints on it. God heard the first few tracks, threw the CD into the bin and told the band that they should follow their CD there because that was where both belonged.

Slowly the animals went by and God was quite disappointed until he saw one particular creature that he couldn't remember creating. God said,
"You there, without the arms and legs. What are you doing and why haven't you come forth yet?"
The creature slithered forth.
"Any idea on how I made you?" God asked the creature.
The creature said, "You bet your friends that you couldn't cut off a thumb and all the fingers on one hand, then put the thumb in front of all the other fingers and create a living thing from it. Then you took a knife, poked two eye holes in and cut the thumb horizontally down the middle to create a mouth and voila I was born."

God was giggling quietly in the corner remembering a joke that he heard that day. The joke went like:

This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"

So God (after laughing in his head) then looks at the poor pathetic creature and rushes to the creature that he remembered he named as a snake and tries to hold it's hand up to say 'We have a winner' but instead catches it by the throat and then drops it realizing that it is choking. 'I shall put a replica of you at the end of a guys crotch and make a hole at the girls end for you to fit through. You shall be the cause of much pain and much pleasure. To make up for this insult, I shall give you fangs and the ability to unhinge your jaw and make yourself look bigger when something is inside you; I shall make it so that blood does the same to the replica of you on the man so that he can adequately fill up the woman's hole. I will also do this whole blood fill up thing because a woman should not be afforded this pleasure so easily; she should work to get the blood flowing in him."

So that is why every male has a penis. God didn't think of the other reproduction methods and they were all just cheap knockoffs of the snake in the front on the guy. The snake asked for other upgrades like speed, the ability to tell all sorts of things but sticking its tongue out and generating new skin.

So God did this and all was fine but in a while the woman were all like "We don't want to have to work this hard just to feel so good for a few moments every now and then. Can't we just be there and maybe lie down or do it doggy style? The men seem more eager than us anyway (even though it is better for us than them)" God said "Ok fine" but the women would have to suffer for five days every month as a price. God had already made the men extra horny so the women acted extra stubborn and in time made men prove that they worthy enough to give them pleasure. Men have never recovered from this travesty. Though, if you think about it,  the whole sex thing is really a sort of give and take thing. The woman took a bone out of the man so the man puts a boner in her."

"Wow that's some story. How many joints have you had...Mr...?"
"Heysoos is my name and I've had only six (Ten)." he says. "Why?"
"Oh. No reason." I reply reassuringly.
"You're an actual alien midget, aren't you? I haven't hallucinated you being here, have I?"
"Yes and nope"
"Fuck, I probably should've told you the version that my dad wrote in some book."

The future daughter of my dreams

So I was juggling bowling pins down the street and some random little girl comes up to me and says,
"Hey mister that's really cool. I can do something special too"
I said "Really, cool can you show me?"
"She said, "Yeah sure. Ok think of a number between one to ten and pick carefully."
I said "Ok I'll think now"
So I think.
And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And I think

And then I came up with the number "5"
I said, "Ok fine"

When I looked at her, she had shoved 5 of the pins I was juggling into different orifices in her body and she somehow managed to say







"Ta-dah"